This will tip the boat – transparency

today after some time, i broke down emotionally.
i had a fight with my dad..
it broke out on the table at breakfast, i was sitting there and my dad starts talking to me about “sleeping to long” etc etc.
I kept quiet, keeping my cool, asking the holy spirit to settle me down, to help me!
I had a choice, to react or not to.. so I chose the react button and just told my dad “why is that such a bad thing?” “it’s new years” and “i don’t always wake up at 11:30pm”

I honestly don’t. Day to day i wake up at 9am or 10am. But they woke up at like 7am and so I slept in.
Of course, they wouldn’t know that because my mom leaves early, my dad leaves early and my sister leaves early.. all by 7-8am. So I get all this nonsense that “I don’t work” and “everyone is working” and so you know, I work as an entrepreneur but I haven’t been advertising much lately! My website is down cause I can’t afford it at the moment, and for the first day of the new year there was already an argument. First day.

But of course, I went to my room and I was extremely upset because my dad was mad for something I did which ya, I guess i understand but he doesn’t have to yell at me. it’s cruel. awful. i hate it. reminds me of my childhood, hateful childhood. So, ya, in those moments I remembered this daily devotional by Joyce Meyers Ministries that was like this:

“I often share a teaching that I call “Shake It Off,” which is based on the time Paul was on the island of Malta (see Acts 28). He was helping some people build a fire, when a poisonous serpent crawled out and attached itself to his hand. At first, when the people saw it they thought he must be wicked to have such an evil thing happen to him. They watched, waiting for him to fall over dead.

But the Bible says Paul simply “shook it off.” We can learn so much from that. When somebody offends or rejects us, we need to see it as a bite from Satan, and just shake it off.

…..

When we are in a state of being upset, we cannot hear from God clearly. The Bible promises us that God will lead us and walk us out of our troubles, but we cannot be led by the Spirit if we are offended and in turmoil. We can’t get away from the storms of life, or the temptation to be irritated by someone; but we can respond to offenses by saying, “God, You are merciful, and You are good. And I am going to put my confidence in You until this storm passes over.”

Trust in Him Has someone offended or rejected you and you need to “shake it off “? Trust God to give you the grace to act godly even in an ungodly situation, and to help you shake it off in order to be a witness to others.”

So, I remembered this and every time I felt offended, hurt, upset, dirt, i would rip the invisible serpent off and whip it on the floor because it was pierce, pierce, and more pierces to my heart & soul. How much could you take? How much could you handle? I realized then there is a point where so much disappointment makes me mad then I told me dad to “not talk to me” raging from the living room couch to my room cause I was so mad & disappointed. “You seriously wanna continue after i said sorry.” obviously i had conditions when I said sorry – not unconditional.

I said to self unconsciously:
– yelling = no
– making me sit = no, cause i wanna end this here forever.
Why, so can have peace without the emotional problems.
I felt bitter / sour / upset toward my family because they seem to be perfectly fine while I am not fine. TODAY
It was like the past but it’s not the past – it’s now and it’s done!!!

So the reason I’m being transparent is cause I wanted to share that No, I made a mistake to respond & react and I added to what was there before I said a word and… No, Im not perfect and I realize that without Jesus cleansing me daily – id be totally in  utter darkness and my clothes have stains and manchas which prevent me from reaching my goal of honouring Him daily with my life and attitudes, and thoughts, and all of it. So, by Jesus death and cleansing blood I am made New and Learning everyday how to Love as He loves, to see better and letting Him move in my life through my life from today and on.

To honour my family with unCONDITIONAL love – no conditions with the love I have. IF they wanna yell after I say something – fine. humble myself like Jesus did. Imitate Jesus. (notes to self)

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